It’s Mother’s Day. You know, that day of the year when you’re socially obligated to do something nice for your mother only when you ask her what she wants she says “I just want my girls to finally be happy and settled and maybe go out more” and then you spend the entire day wracked with guilt because that’s a gift she’s never going to get.
I love Mother’s Day.
In honor of Mother’s day, though, I would like to pass along some pearls of wisdom courtesy of my mother.
- If at first you don’t pick up the phone, I will just keep hitting redial or come to your apartment til you do so pick up the f$%king phone.
- It’s really difficult being right about everything when no one will ever listen to you.
- It’s possible to drive 80 miles per hour, drink coffee, smoke a cigarette, and talk on the phone all at the same time.
- There are only two news outlets since Howard Stern went off regular radio: Fox News and the New York Post.
- Assume everyone is ripping you off.
- Doctors are shysters and you shouldn’t go to them, just call one we know and get a prescription for what you think the problem is.
- She encouraged me to stay away from sports because the grass contained ticks and Lyme disease. To this day, if she sees me on the front lawn she can be heard screaming from inside the house, “GET OFF THE GRASS!!! What do you want to get lyme disease you moron!”
- And my personal favorite: Don’t get married. There’s always artificial insemination.
But when all is said and done, she is indeed my BFF. And currently repeatedly hitting redial on the phone.