Well, I’m officially wracked with guilt because I ate french fries with my dinner tonight.
My relationship with food has always been a complicated one, from my elementary school years as the “pig” and then my attempt at anorexia in high school and the subsequent weight gain. I realize and accept that I have a disordered eating style and I need to be both careful and cognizant of what I’m consuming.
The people I work with don’t know about this. I joke about being the fat girl, but it’s not like we have deep, meaningful conversations about our mental and physical health. So they don’t know that sometimes when they comment on how many cookies I’ve eaten, or my new boss likes to joke that I harass people into bringing me free food because I just need to constantly be fed, I go back into my office, close the door, lean against it, and just start crying.
When my mother called to tell me how people saw recent pictures of me and commented to her about how great I looked after losing weight, I had a similar reaction.
I feel like the last couple of weeks in particular have been difficult for me in terms of my eating and being able to feel moderately good about myself. As someone who has struggled with weight issues for a long time, since at least 4th grade, I’ve lost weight and I’ve gained it all back and nothing terrifies me like the idea of gaining it all back.
When people compliment me on losing weight, I realize that they do notice. They think they’re complimenting me when they comment on how fat I was, but I’m just terrified about what will happen when the weight comes back. When I start eating too much or stop running. And when people say, “keep up whatever you’re doing” and what you’re doing is not eating… Well, I figure I should eat even less. I want to lose more weight. I don’t think I’ll ever lose enough weight, but I feel like I’ve been eating too much.
I feel like the weight thing has started spiraling out of my control again. Not that I’m going to gain back 50 lbs in one night, I know that won’t happen, but I still have this crushing feeling like everything I’ve worked so hard for is just going to slip through my fingers.
I can’t get over how it feels like a hollow, temporary, fleeting victory.