Marathon Updates

So a bunch of my facebook friends were running Chicago this weekend and opted to have their splits auto-posted to facebook. I have already announced that I will not be doing this so all my facebook friends can get over their disappointment because they really wanted to be able to track my progress and feel emotionally invested in my marathon. The best way to participate in a marathon is vicariously, after all.

Here are the messages I would use for runner tracking:

5k: Your runner is having a great time and doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t sign up with them to do this. Expected finish time: She’s totally PR’ing and killing this marathon. Be ready for her impending finish.

10K Your runner is thinking about how if she’d signed up for the 10k she’d be done now! This is still awesome, though, and she’s totally pumped! Expected finish time: She’s not PR’ing by quite as much but she’s still totally psyched and you should be ready for her to finish soon!

15k: Your runner is starting to realize that this is going to take awhile. Maybe longer than originally anticipated… Expected finish time: You know what, why don’t you go get some coffee.

Halfway mark: Your runner has lost the ability to understand the metric system at this point because the longest race she ran in that system was a 10k and everything else requires math. Her pace has slowed as she’s just realized, shit, she’s only halfway. Expected finish time: Just go get some breakfast.

20 mile mark: Now your runner thinks that you made the really smart decision to sleep in and get coffee. She is jealous of you. Your runner feels kinda crappy right now but thankfully hasn’t crapped her pants. Expected finish time: Stop asking her that, she’s done when she’s done.

25 mile mark: Your runner is either really happy or really sad right now, we can’t quite tell since she’s too exhausted to feel much of anything. She thinks she’s running really fast for the finish line but she’s actually semi crawling. Expected finish time: Sometime in the next 30-40 minutes but she’ll insist it’s like 15.

26 mile mark: Your runner is so happy to be starting what feels like the longest 2/10ths of a mile. Please prepare to hear about how all of this was amazing fun. She doesn’t envy you any more and will finish thinking herself amazing. Expected finish time: 5 minutes from now. Please prepare to hear additional rundowns of this race for the next 5-6 months.

Congratulations to everyone who ran Chicago and Hartford this weekend! You made it look easy. You bunch of social media liars.

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5 thoughts on “Marathon Updates

  1. Haha! Who wants boring ol’ split times when you can have THIS! You should totally invent some dictation app so you can post these kids of updates.

  2. Ha, love this! I don’t post my runner tracking to FB or Twitter either…honestly if my run is really sucking or going downhill I’d rather not be broadcasting it to everyone!

    • It defeats the whole purpose of runners always insisting to nonrunners.
      Runner: “No, really, every mile was AMAZING.”
      Nonrunner: “But you looked like you might be dying in mile 18.”
      Runner: “No, it’s still amazing, you just don’t get me.”
      Nonrunner: “But there’s proof! Look!”
      Runner: “Just shut up.”

  3. This is really awesome! My friend ran Chicago yesterday and she said beforehand, “Plan on roasting a turkey or something. It’s going to be a long day.”

  4. Pingback: Texts I’d Like to Receive While I Run | Pink Elephant on Parade

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