Texts I’d Like to Receive While I Run

I thought I’d offer 26 motivational text messages I wouldn’t mind receiving while I run a marathon…

  1. “You run better than the government AND the metro.”
  2. “Run like that bitch who called you fat in high school is right behind you.”
  3. “Remember all those times your mom said you couldn’t do this?”
  4. “Remember that time you didn’t want to get up because the bathroom down the hall seemed so far away? Seems close now, doesn’t it?”
  5. “Don’t stop believing, hold on to the feeling and that urine because you’re not using a portapotty.”
  6. “There are people serving in the military running this virtually in Afghanistan. Shut the fuck up.”
  7. “Up side: you’ll be hallucinating by the end so you might see Mickey Mouse again at the finish.”
  8. “I heard Ryan Gosling is running this. Shirtless.”
  9. “Run a hill now, eat a mountain of ice cream later.”
  10. “Don’t be a doofus. Don’t be a doofus.”
  11. “I’m so proud of you for not crapping your pants! (yet)”
  12. “If you can still do math you’re obviously not running hard enough.”
  13. “Please don’t tell me we missed all that television time for nothing.”
  14. “You’re so unbelievable. You f#$king nut job.”
  15. “I’ve seen worse parades.”
  16. “Couch and TV are having a great time without you. Cheetos just joined us.”
  17. “You’ve survived longer Law & Order marathons.”
  18. “It’ll be really gratifying to rub this in your cousin’s face and so many holidays coming up!”
  19. “2 legit 2 quit.”
  20. “NKOTB was right: step by step. If only stepping wasn’t so hard.”
  21. “Your friends would come cheer for you but they’re still sleeping soundly in bed.”
  22. “Remember how hard it was to sign up? That was god.”
  23. “Some people say marathons are easy because Oprah did one, they forgot Oprah’s godlike.”
  24. “It’s a marathon miracle! Did you just turn down a munchkin? No? Okay, you’re still alive.”
  25. “You can’t do math anymore so I’ll do it for you: 1.2 miles to go!”
  26. “You’re so close you can see the shine of the tin foil blankets from here.”

See also: Marathon Updates.


4 thoughts on “Texts I’d Like to Receive While I Run

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