Pearls of Wisdom on Running (from my mom)

Disclaimer: I actually do love my mom I just can’t take her out in public too often…

    My mother doesn’t run. Ever. We’ve never been a particularly athletic family, in fact to this day she has what she considers a well-founded phobia of the grass. Lyme disease, people, it’s real and it can kill. So no, I was not a freak for refusing to sit in the grass during gym class in middle school and high school because it might kill me.

So, to honor all the wise, sage things my mother has told me over the last year and half about running I thought I would start a new segment, “Pearls of Wisdom on Running (from my mom)” because “$hit my mom says” would be diminishing  her wisdom. The government shutdown would’ve been two victories in one for her: a republican triumph over Obama and the bonus of me not doing another marathon.

The best introduction to my mom and running is my experience at the Superhero 1/2 Marathon because this was the only time my mom really got out of the car to watch and exemplifies why I’m okay with it when she doesn’t meet me at the finish or come to the race at all. - I just ran a 1/2 marathon, too, and I didn't even break a sweat. Can we go to the diner now?Picture it: May 2012, less than a tenth of a mile left in my first ever 1/2 marathon. I see my mom on the side and wave except… I start to notice she’s kinda, like, started following me. Not along the side, but on the actual course. Holy $hit what is this woman doing? Then I hear it…

“Look! I just ran a 1/2 marathon in ballet flats and jeans and I didn’t even break a sweat! …Go Rangers!”

And she follows me across the finish line with her arms in the arm waving to the crowd. No, she hadn’t run anything. She just decided it’d be fun to cross the finish as though she had. Yup.

Yup. True story. She can’t help herself, she’s like the universe’s biggest ham. I’ll spare her and not show you the video my sister shot of her doing this. Yes, there’s video. And photographs. It’s become an integral part of family lore.

In all fairness, she did experience a first ever that day: She used a portapotty and don’t think I didn’t hear repeatedly about how traumatic that experience was.

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