The Tale of the Lazy Runner

Submitted for the approval of the running society, I call this story the Tale of the Lazy Runner.

Some runners go all out for every race, pushing themselves to test their own physical boundaries of possibility. Others, well, they just coast along and leave plenty left over for another day. That is, of course, until it comes to the post race celebratory meal–then, the only thing left behind is the vomit they spewed because they ate too much. Found the limit there, didn’t you?

Screen shot 2013-11-04 at 9.32.50 PMAnyway, picture this runner: sweat band, something in a tasteful material that swishes loudly enough you can hear them in the event your retinas are singed by their dayglow outfit.

They try but not as hard as they could; this person never really got comfortable with the whole pain thing. But seriously, this person could’ve very well been having a heart attack at mile 11 of the Nike Women’s 1/2 marathon. Lots of people mistake overly tight bra strap pain for a heart attack in the latter stages of a 1/2 marathon. Lots.

They did a marathon and were all set to run and then they were all like, “I’m totally gonna run tomorrow!” And then tomorrow came and they were all, “I’m totally gonna run tomorrow!” And then they were trapped in this loop where they just kept saying, “I’m totally gonna run tomorrow!” Except tomorrow never came but it did and they were just trapped in this cycle of “I’m gonna run tomorrow!” while everyone else who ran the same marathon had already taken 25 intense workout classes and run 10 miles each day starting the day after the marathon because that’s just what they do.

in fact, lots of people just went out and ran another marathon! But there was so much on the lazy runner’s DVR, how could they NOT stay and watch the newest episodes of The Goldbergs? They’d been derelict in their tv duties. Until they binge watched Are You Afraid of the Dark episodes on Youtube and then suddenly they finally went outside and ran because they realized they’d lost their mind and become terrifyingly lazy.

And oh yeah, they had like 5 days ’til a half marathon.

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