I always hated math.

To say I’ve plateaued in my weight loss is inaccurate because I’ve actually regained some of the weight I worked so fucking hard to lose. The thing that terrifies me is that I’m going to gain it all back and this past week I’ve felt like my control over what I’m eating has really been slipping.

True story: at work the health unit offered this test to see how calories you need over the course of a day. Turns out, I don’t really need any calories. I think I can in at around 1,200 a day or some ridiculous number like that and the nurse who administered this thing looked really surprised when she saw it. When I was first starting out trying to lose weight, I capped myself at 900-1,000 calories a day and I was fanatical about it. Lately, though, over the last year I’ve backed off and started eating “regular” food and not recording everything I eat. I weighed myself about a month ago to find out that my Wii Fit said I’m back in the overweight category I’d worked so hard to get out of in the first place.

I feel like… I don’t know. I’m terrified of gaining the weight back because while my mother insists that she was always very positive with us, she’s always talking about weight and food. “I’m VERY self-confident!” she always says. “I don’t know WHERE you girls got this self-hatred from!” Meanwhile, I remember feeling terrible and hating myself when my mom would say at a restaurant, “I feel like a beached whale! I’m SO fat!”

When my mom went up to the JCrew outlet and bought me a dress for work, it didn’t fit. It was too small. And it’s basically sit in my closet, unworn, because I am so embarrassed and ashamed and don’t want to say that it’s too small for me. I can’t bring myself to do it. And I don’t want to count calories anymore. I don’t want to constantly weigh myself. I don’t want to live my entire fucking life thinking about my weight and what I’m eating. I don’t want to be my grandmother who at 87 years old is still sitting around, pointing at her stomach saying she’s too damn fat and needs to lose weight and that she’s been on a diet her entire life. Fuck that is so incredibly depressing.

16 thoughts on “I always hated math.

  1. *hugs* I have so been there. Both my parents were pretty rough on me about my weight growing up. At my heaviest, I was over 220 lbs…I sorta stopped weight myself after that.

    I did the huge calorie restriction thing too and I ended up not eating enough and the weight loss stalled…and then the calorie restriction turned into an eating disorder. That took a while to stop but fortunately it did…and so came some weight gain.

    However, last summer I found a great balance–I incorporated a quasi paleo eating style (only had sugary treats and manufactured carbs like bread/pasta, etc three times a week) and made sure I filled up on good things like veggies, fruit, protein and good carbs and it made a drastic difference in my weight, shape, etc. I weigh more now than I did when I did the drastic calorie counting but I am smaller and I eat better, including some junk food from time to time.

    The only other thing I did that helped was I just sorta let go of the idea that I will never be done with weight maintenance. Coming to terms with that just makes it all easier…both the work to prepare the healthy meals and the times when you have a boo boo and eat too much nutella by the spoonful. šŸ™‚

    Take care of yourself, Lovely!

    • It’s the idea of never being done. The idea just makes me want to say “well, fuck it, I might as well just have ice cream, I’ll probably gain it all back anyway.” But you’re right, I keep telling myself, “just eat something healthy. And no, Cookie Crisp is not healthy.”

      • Nope. It won’t. But neither will your laundry, the dishes…etc.

        It’s now worth giving up though. I have been there. I gave up and gained thirty lbs. Was the worst mistake I ever made, and believe me, at almost 34 I have made enough mistakes.

        Allow yourself to have those times with the ice cream or the cookie crisp–just don’t do it all the time…or plan eating said treat after a long run. I find it makes those indulgences taste better. I tend to do the last one a fair bit. I recall having two coke floats in Disneyland after the Dumbo Double Dare and it was glorious. šŸ˜‰

        Good luck sweets! Stay strong and you’ll be great!

        P.S. Congrats on Nike DC! You are a rock star!

  2. Ugh, I can totally feel you. For the performance next weekend, my ballet teacher has me costumed in a leotard and tights with NO SKIRT. I am NOT FEELING BODY CONFIDENT ENOUGH FOR THIS.

    I still haven’t managed to find a balance in my eating habits. It’s a constant struggle, and not a healthy one. All we can do is keep trying, I guess. Let us say this about us runners: we persevere.

    • We can do it, Jenn! WE CAN DO IT! Healthy marathon training season eating! Is it terrible that when I signed up for Chicago my first thought was, “between this and NYC, October is carb month”?

      Also, do I need to come to your performance and cheer you on? Should I do a sign? Is that a thing in ballet performances?

      • Haha, I’ve never gotten a sign, but my dad usually gets me flowers. You’re welcome to come! But – it’s in Cheverly, MD, so you’d either have to find a ride or come with me and spend allllll day at the theater.

  3. The journey is frustrating. I understand from a different standpoint. I have my own fears and self-confidence issues… How small is too small? It is a dress that you could fit into as you journey through? Backwards steps are just a part of life. Don’t get on a scale all the time. 1200-1500 calories is enough for people to still lose weight so long as they are eating the right things. Don’t hate yourself for slipping and for that scale rising back up again. That’s counterproductive… that’s the one thing I do best is throw in the proverbial towel and eat sugar like it’s going out of style when I get frustrated/depressed. Keep up the work. Don’t forget to have fun. If you make it a chore, it makes it so much more difficult.
    In other news, I nominated you for a Liebster award. I love how you are honest and real. I enjoy this blog a lot.

    • I’m big on the emotional eating. I love me a good depression induced binge session. There’s nothing more cathartic to me than hiding myself in a corner and eating an entire bag of potato chips. I know lots of people say they don’t like to be downers in a blog but I don’t know, I feel that’s really distorting.

      • I can agree. I have my days where I need to get on a downer rant, but interestingly enough I’m not near a computer with an opportunity and then the moment passes. Negativity is a part of life. Some people struggle with it more than others. Others hide it better. I know that people like to know that there are others like them out there so downer posts/moments only add to the dynamics of a person… make them more real

  4. This, unfortunately, is a topic I know all too much about and have waaaaaaaaaay to much to say about it. So, we’ll just leave it as me empathizing is an understatement…and if you ever need/want to talk, let me know šŸ™‚

  5. I know you posted this like four days ago which is forever in blogtime but I’m sorry you’re dwelling on this … it is depressing and honestly counting calories is the worst thing that ever happened to me. I know it can help people lose weight who need to lose weight but I swear I feel it should be restricted to people who must seriously lose weight for health reasons because it can spiral out of control so, so quickly. Not to mention that even if family members and friends never said anything to you personally about your weight, you definitely register their comments about their own bodies or eating/fitness habits or others’ and it can have a serious effect on how you view yourself. Ugh.

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