To say I’ve plateaued in my weight loss is inaccurate because I’ve actually regained some of the weight I worked so fucking hard to lose. The thing that terrifies me is that I’m going to gain it all back and this past week I’ve felt like my control over what I’m eating has really been slipping.
True story: at work the health unit offered this test to see how calories you need over the course of a day. Turns out, I don’t really need any calories. I think I can in at around 1,200 a day or some ridiculous number like that and the nurse who administered this thing looked really surprised when she saw it. When I was first starting out trying to lose weight, I capped myself at 900-1,000 calories a day and I was fanatical about it. Lately, though, over the last year I’ve backed off and started eating “regular” food and not recording everything I eat. I weighed myself about a month ago to find out that my Wii Fit said I’m back in the overweight category I’d worked so hard to get out of in the first place.
I feel like… I don’t know. I’m terrified of gaining the weight back because while my mother insists that she was always very positive with us, she’s always talking about weight and food. “I’m VERY self-confident!” she always says. “I don’t know WHERE you girls got this self-hatred from!” Meanwhile, I remember feeling terrible and hating myself when my mom would say at a restaurant, “I feel like a beached whale! I’m SO fat!”
When my mom went up to the JCrew outlet and bought me a dress for work, it didn’t fit. It was too small. And it’s basically sit in my closet, unworn, because I am so embarrassed and ashamed and don’t want to say that it’s too small for me. I can’t bring myself to do it. And I don’t want to count calories anymore. I don’t want to constantly weigh myself. I don’t want to live my entire fucking life thinking about my weight and what I’m eating. I don’t want to be my grandmother who at 87 years old is still sitting around, pointing at her stomach saying she’s too damn fat and needs to lose weight and that she’s been on a diet her entire life. Fuck that is so incredibly depressing.