Friendly Runs

Let’s say, hypothetically speaking, you had someone who came to visit you and they complained about everything. They ate all your hummus, but when you said, “it’s good, right?” their response was “Well, Holy Land’s hummus is much better. Much, much better. I prefer the way the Lebanese do things, not the Greeks.” They told you how you should be approaching your job and professional development. And of course, hypothetically speaking let’s say you’re single, so naturally they tell you they’re a feminist but you shouldn’t worry because “once you stop looking for someone, that’s when you’ll find him.” After all, that’s how she found her husband! (And FYI, that’s a perfect marriage.) Then she demonstrates not knowing or caring about your life at all because she doesn’t know your sainted dog passed away, which just angers you.

So in this strictly hypothetical scenario, let’s say they told you they wanted to go for a run so you said sure, that sounds like fun. You’ll take them up to the zoo. You go for a run that ends up being 8 miles because, well, they “feel like the pace wasn’t being pushed at all.” Okay.

The next night, you head out for a run towards the Mall and the monuments. And as she’s complaining and you’re just so fucking sick and tired of it, you start running faster. From frustration? From annoyance? Who can say for sure but you get a certain level of satisfaction from the fact that her complaints and chatter are growing fainter and fainter, lost between gasps for air. So you start to pick up your end of the conversation and even start to sing a little, maybe throw in a few prancercise steps. And sure, you could slow down but instead you head for the hill and start pushing it even more and saying loudly, “Don’t you just love going up hills? They’re so invigorating!”

As she’s falling further behind because she won’t say that she can’t keep that pace, but since you’re not a totally cruel human being, you decide to give her a graceful out and say, “do you want to stop at the Lincoln Memorial and look around?”

When she takes you up on your offer and finally pulls up alongside of you when you’ve stopped running up the memorial steps, you turn and smile innocently and say, “isn’t it a great night for a nice, easy run?”


10 thoughts on “Friendly Runs

  1. This is positively hysterical. The only part that made me sad was when you mentioned the recently departed dog. However, this post made my day! Sounds like she is a friend to drop off the planet!

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