Sometimes in life, shit happens and things change and suddenly you feel like you’re an entirely different person doing things you never thought in a million years you would do. In a really strange way, I think I can thank running for my current ability to handle this kind of shit and to feel like anything is possible and just because I was one way 10 years ago, doesn’t mean I have to stay that way forever.
I’m not saying running in and of itself has some kind of transformative power. To be honest, I think it’s because I never ran that it’s had this effect on me. When I think back on the first 25-ish years of my life before I’d started running, I can think of no cases where I enjoyed doing it. It was like my personal shame when the mile came around in gym class. Running was one of those things that I just didn’t do at all or didn’t do well. I joke with people that now that I’ve conquered running and done 3 marathons, the final frontier is math.
And because I was able to succeed at running, I feel like I could end up being really good at math in a way I never thought possible.
In some respects, it’s like the world has opened up to me in new ways and I feel like since I moved to DC I’ve just sort of become a different person. It’s just that I almost vaguely feel like… like I have control over my life in ways I didn’t think I had. And this past week has reinforced that for me. I used to feel like there were all these limitations on my life and suddenly I’m realizing that there aren’t. I’m a mature adult and I can do whatever the fuck I want now. I don’t have to sit locked in a room if I don’t want to, and that is kind of awesome.
I HAD A FUCKING LET IT GO MOMENT this past week. And it was pretty amazing and also kind of terrifying and I’ve been sort of alternating between fear not controlling me and it’s time to test the limits and break through and in a lot of ways, this was how I felt when I signed up for my first race. Running helped me realize that the shit that terrified me yesterday, last week, or years ago, doesn’t have terrify me anymore. I can choose to not let it terrify me.
The fears that once controlled me can’t get to me anymore. Well, except for legitimate life saving fears like gym locker room showers and parks after dark. Those are good fears.
So, here I stand in the light of day, bitches, ’cause the cold never fucking bothered me anyway.
Thanks, running, I think I’m ready for marathon training now.
Fear you’d like to conquer? (Algebra, I’m coming for you.)