Lest you think I hate love…

So, you know why I have issues with weddings, but lest you think that I hate love I will tell you about that one time I tried online dating.

It was the most horrifying 5 minutes of my life.

You know, the older you get the harder it is to meet people. And when you do meet people, they’re all married or in long term relationships and at that point you just resign yourself to being single forever. Running groups? Well, if you’re going to meet men I suggest you up your pace because all the men ran faster that I did. On top of that, the men that show up are all a minimum of 15-20 years older than me. Rowing a good place to meet guys? Only if you want them in their 60s and married! Oh, and if you’re picturing the really hot guys in their spandex shorts nice try–you’re in a boat with three chunky old men who should really be stopped from wearing spandex.

So maybe you start thinking you’ll try online dating because you have a friend who met her future husband on J Date and they were in some of the J Date promotional materials so there’s gotta be something to it, right? I remember being a member of the JCC (no, I’m not Jewish, but yes, I was a member of the Jewish Community Center where one of their selling points for the gym is “it’s a great place to meet some nice boys”<–not kidding. That was verbatim in the tour along with, “I met my husband here!”) and they had a whole photography class that was dedicated to taking pictures for J Date profiles. They took that shit seriously.

Five minutes after I started a profile on a non J Date dating website, I canceled the account because I had received 3 messages that were all kind of sexually graphic and horrifying from men whose age was listed as 45 but I think we all know that that was probably rounded down significantly. Nowhere were the polished portraits I had seen being taken at the JCC. In their stead were grainy selfies taken in dark bathrooms.

So yeah, I tried online dating and it didn’t work. Anyone have any experience with online dating?


15 thoughts on “Lest you think I hate love…

  1. Yes. Hate it…but it seems like the only way to go about it now. It’s really hard to find/meet people otherwise. Oh and I found running groups were nearly all middle aged (or older men). Friends of friends can sometimes work…though I am dealing with a friend of a friend who is interested in me and whenever he texts, I feel like umm…no.

  2. Moon met her boyfriend on match.com, so there’s that!

    I, however, never found success with online dating. I just got SO NERVOUS before every date to the point where I didn’t even want to go anymore. And then of course since I was anxious I acted weird and ruined everything – unless I wasn’t interested, in which case I was no longer anxious, acted normal, and then had to let the guy down gently later which wasn’t super fun either.

  3. I’d like to know some real, legitimate numbers surrounding online dating. Everyone knows someone or someone who knows someone who met a decent person through Match or whatever. But I’ve also heard some pretty good stories to indicate there are jackasses and crazies sending obnoxious communications. Out of X amount of subscribers, how many actually went on dates? How many of those dates led to more? And…let’s face it…everyone’s standards are different. How many of those “successes” are guys that you’d actually want? We all know people in relationships where we wonder how they put up with that person.

    • I, too, would like some numbers and I would like them accompanied by a “desperation” rating–on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being I’m okay with never finding anyone and becoming a crazy cat lady if I don’t find someone who meets me standards and 10 being holy shit I’ll take anything I just don’t want to die alone) how much has desperation factored into your decision to date this person?

      I feel like my desperation factor is at a 1.75, I’d be happy living out my days with a cat but perhaps wouldn’t go the route of like 10 cats.

  4. I like to donate money to Match.com. I say ‘dontate’ because I have an anxiety attack just logging onto the website so they charge me, but I don’t use it. Money well spent, right there!

    My sister met her husband online and they’re happy as clams. I feel like I have no other options besides online dating since I can’t seem to meet men other ways. I treat dating like I approach dieting: I’ll start tomorrow. Meanwhile, match.com is taking in my money.

    • You know, that’s really accurate… I buy frozen vegetables telling myself I’m going to eat that and then all this week I ate white bread with peanut butter and m&ms. Meanwhile in my freezer…

      I have no idea how this works, do you talk to people? Do you send them a message and say, “hey, your blurry photo and profile make me think we’ll get along”? WHAT IS THE ETIQUETTE FOR THIS CRAP? AND OH MY GOD WHAT IF THEY DON’T LIKE ME BACK?!

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