Pee Drinking Crap Face

We’re getting ready for a rowing scrimmage in two weeks against another group, so naturally I was under the impression that we were going to do the most important thing in any sporting endeavor: talk shit. I can’t do this in running because to be honest I’m not a good runner and I’m not particularly competitive (or at least, I know I won’t win so there’s no point pretending) but with rowing, I’ve become the competitive person on the team.

I was never a competitive athlete, so my experiences with sports are as follows: The Sandlot, The Cutting Edge, and the Mighty Ducks (I, II, and III). Maybe you could include 3 Ninjas in there even though they weren’t competing so much as they were just trying to survive and save lives. It was intense. Anyway. There was that kid in the Mighty Ducks, who invites the Ducks to play some schoolyard puck and hassle them from the stands during the Goodwill Games. And then in the Cutting Edge there’s that scene where her old coach walks into her private skating rink and she’s all, “he’s so amazing he’ll knock your socks off!”

But I think we all know that if you want to learn how to talk shit there’s only one place to go and that’s straight to The Sandlot.

Pee Drinking Crap Face.
Buffalo Butt Breath
You Bob For Apples in the Toilet, and You Like It.
Is That Your Sister Out in Left Field, Naked?

Exhibit A:

It’s safe to say that this is basically the most memorable movie scene possibly ever.

I could be wrong but I highly doubt it. No, I know I’m not wrong. See, as someone who bypassed organized sports for most of my life, I somehow missed the lesson that you’re not supposed to act like that. It’s “unsportsmanlike.” My coach said maybe we would challenge another club after our scrimmage and I said, “You mean after we leave those punks beaten, bloody and dead on the side of the river we’ll take on some more people?” He said, “no! no! oh god no!”

And when we were sculling this morning and were in the boathouse afterwards and saw a husband wife sculling pair who are also on our crew team and I said, “the gauntlet is thrown! WE CHALLENGE YOU TO A SCULL OFF!” Then I turned to the river where other people were out rowing and I said, “WE CHALLENGE ALL OF YOU! Dammit, I need some gauntlets.”

Our coach just started shaking his head and said, “Oh dear god, what have I created?”

So, for people who aren’t new to the world of competitive sports, do you ever talk shit?


11 thoughts on “Pee Drinking Crap Face

    • That’s what I want to do! And everyone shames me! And then we got a new cox and she was all about talking shit this week and making matching team tshirts with puff paint and it was like finally, I’m on the high school sports team I always wanted to be on.

  1. I played softball for most of my life and I think that we were too terrified to talk shit. And we were actually good! I think maybe it is a little boy thing. Oh man. The Sandler is one of my favorite movies. It never gets old. now I’m going to have to watch it again. ..

  2. I actually have an “award” hanging in my cubicle for “Best Trash Talker” given to me by my coworkers. I find my trash talking skills entertaining since I’m not actually good enough at anything to trash talk about.

    And I know it’s not trash talking, but I have a habit of saying “You’re killing me Smalls” on a regular basis.

      • I’m so glad my love of the Sandlot is shared here! And also, generally, my love of quoting movies and tv shows whenever possible.

        As an aside, I never trash talked, but I didn’t back down when people tried to bully me or my teammates in sports (mainly soccer), which led to a few physical altercations…which I know isn’t the best way to handle things, but at the same time, I’m proud that I stood up to them when they tried to take me out. lol.

      • I feel like if you’re going to participate in sports, physical altercations are inevitable. I know the feeling, it’s like when I wouldn’t back down from my threat to nuke the US when I was the UK in model UN, even when Trinidad stopped being my only ally. Sometimes, you have to stick to your guns.

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