What does it feel like right after a marathon?


[Crosses finish line]


WOW. I did it! I did a(nother) marathon! Can I vomit now? No, wait, maybe I don’t need to vomit, maybe I need to crap my pants.  Ok, no, wait, maybe I need to do both.  I think I need to do both.  I don’t think there’s anything to crap out, though. What? What are people yelling at me? Keep moving? Ok, I don’t want to but in my incapacitated state I’ll just do what people tell me to do. Oh the agony, oh the pain. I’m never moving from my couch again. My couch never made me feel this way.

I’m so crusty, why am I crusty?

Oh hey, medals! I stopped giving a shit about the medals like… I don’t know… 10 miles ago, but now I’m back to being excited about it. Well, you know, as excited as I can be. Listen, lady, I’d lift my arms to just take the medal but I’m taking this as an opporunity to stop walking and I’m so f*&king tired can you just put it on me? Thanks. I think I thanked you. Maybe it was more of a grimace. I should’ve smiled more. Maybe I smiled? I’M JUST NOT SURE. Everyone’s going to think I’m that girl that isn’t appreciative of volunteers.

Ok, it’s definitely not vomit, I definitely think I might crap my pants.

Where’s the water? WHERE’S THE WATER?

[Takes water bottle]

I can’t drink this. The smell of water makes me want to vomit. Does water have a smell? Thanks, thanks, thanks. I know I thanked the water station people. I did that when I was still lucid. OH LOOK FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!

I never thought I’d say this but, I don’t want to eat this. Just keep moving. Just keep moving. WHAT AM I DOING ANOTHER MARATHON?! WHERE IS THE END OF THIS?! Photos? Photo? No, no photo. No photo. Keep moving.

Oh look, it’s my sister.

Oh God she’s going to want to hug me. Please no one touch me. NO ONE TOUCH ME!

Here, take this food. Take it! I can’t even look at it! I don’t want it. What? what? Mom’s on the phone? Tell her go away, I ran this to spite here! YEAH THAT’S RIGHT MOM ALL THOSE TIMES YOU SAID I WAS STUPID AND I COULDN’T DO A MARATHON. HAHAHAHAHA JOKES ON YOU I DID IT. Get that phone away from me.

I wish I could just walk barefoot. Can I just walk barefoot? THESE SHOES ARE SUFFOCATING ME. Can shoes suffocate you? I think they can and they are. Why is the bus so far from the finish? Why am I so far away? WHY AM I MOVING SO SLOWLY?!

Where’s my food? Oh, my sister ate it. Ok.

Now I’m really hungry.

Well, 80 days until registration opens up for next year. Maybe I’ll do Marine Corps again this year…


7 thoughts on “What does it feel like right after a marathon?

  1. LOL, I love it! I’ve never run a marathon but this is exactly how I felt after my first Half marathon…I can’t even think how bad I would feel after a FULL! Good for you, I hope you’re recovering on your couch 😀

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