Been standing around waiting for what feels like hours. I’ve officially been standing around here for longer than it will take me to actually run the course, which is saying a lot because it will take me a long time.
I should’ve trained better.
I should’ve trained at all.
I hope nothing starts hurting. WHAT IF THAT THING I INJURED ISN’T HEALED YET?!
Remember your first race, when you thought this was so exciting and now it’s just like, “why the hell did I get up early to do this?” and now you’re just surrounded by a sea of humanity that you just can’t wait to crawl back into bed and be alone? And what the hell is that smell?!
All the places Vaseline can be smeared. You know, under normal circumstances people wouldn’t touch themselves there in public. I swear, runners just do this shit so they act like disgusting animals in public. IT MAY STILL BE DARK OUT, SIR, BUT I CAN SEE YOU URINATING!
Look at all these people behind you. Look at them. That gun is going to go off and they are just going to run forward and trample you to death. I can see the obituary now, “Nicole was unfortunately crushed to death participating in a road race last weekend. Her mother said, ‘I always told her running was going to kill her, I just always assumed it was getting hit by a car or mugged, I had no idea there were more dangers.'” I wonder if anyone’s ever actually been trampled at a starting line. This is why I can’t imagine wanting to be at the front, I mean, if you’re at the back no one’s going to trample you.
Why did I wear these shorts? They’re bunching up my crotch already and all I did was walk from the car to the start. I forgot deodorant, but surely no one will notice, right? I mean, do I smell already? I’m sweating and we haven’t even started running yet, that’s a good sign. Look, there’s the 85 year old woman who’s going to beat me. They’re going to beat me, those people, too. Now’s the time to pick out the person I’m going to try and beat. I’d go with the 12 year old, but I need to set more realistic goals and since I have been beaten by one legged people I basically have no idea who I could beat in this crowd.
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO VOMIT?! This isn’t my first race and yet every single time I feel like I’m going to throw up and pass out when we’re seconds away from starting. It’s like a roller coaster where you know the drop is going to happen and you just anticipate it. OH GOD WE’RE MOVING UP. IS IT STARTING? IS THIS IT?! HOW AM I CONFUSED ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT WE’VE STARTED?!
START RUNNING BEFORE YOU GET TRAMPLED.