Sparkle Bottoms: my bottom ain’t sparkling

I am always looking for shorts. At this point, I have a better chance of finding the holy grail or big foot but that doesn’t stop me from looking, especially in the summer months when everyone else is flaunting their shorts wearing ability in my face.

The requirements for the shorts were as follows:

  • Short, like something above the knee in length
  • Don’t ride up when I run
  • Can wear in boat to row
  • Light, ideally that swishy running shorts material that’s nice and light and not like I’m wearing a pair of spanx.

I love sparkle skirts, and normally these little beauties are as close as I can get to wearing actual running shorts because the shorts underneath don’t ride up on me. Unfortunately, the “swing” style I own gets caught in the slide seat on both rowing machines and in the boat because I have wide, child bearing hips that are not meant to be parked in the bow seat of a lightweight women’s boat.  “Does this seat make me look fat? Yes, yes it does.”  So my go to summer running bottom was basically out of commission for my regular weekday runs to practice because I’m not packing two things to cover my ass.  Fortunately, the company has expanded a bit since I started shopping with them in April 2012 (FYI, the skirt is still like brand new 3+ years later).  Now, they have a version that’s just the shorts from the skirt! Hallelujah!

I bought the smarty pants print in my never ending effort to always dress like Minnie Mouse.

So here are the good things:

  • Love the fabric print
  • No ride up
  • Light despite being spandex-y
  • Shorts have the same large leg pockets that accommodate things like my phone/keys/etc.

The bad things…
When the shorts are under a skirt, I don’t notice how unflattering they are.  Taking off the skirt pulled back the curtain and I was like, “whoa, I look really bad in these.”  The thin fabric means you see everything-every roll and belly overhang. Unflattering shading? Check. Also, the fabric stretches and distorts the print and the waistband isn’t as wide as on the skirts soooo you know.  They’re basically really unflattering.

I ordered up a size from what I wear in a skirt.  If I could have, I would’ve exchanged them to go up another size. All in all, they are comfy, light, and have great pockets for storage so I love wearing them but I’ll probably always be wearing them under a loose, long, crotch length tank top.  I’m sure if I lose 20 lbs, these will fit and not look so absolutely terrible on me, but until then, I’ll be hiding the top part.  I also want to take off the giant label, which would be an easy modification if you have patience and a seam ripper but alas, the puncture holes in the spandex remain behind so mine is kind of 80% attached at this point.

Price wise: at $48, they’re not cheap and comparable to what you’d pay at a place like Athleta or Lululemon.  I would definitely go skirt over shorts in the future and consider it an extra $12-$20 well spent.

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11 thoughts on “Sparkle Bottoms: my bottom ain’t sparkling

  1. Holy hell girl! You wanna dislodge the spandex from your parts now??? A nice loose pair of cotton shorts safety pinned to the inner thighs helps with coverage too. Just ask Grouper about the weird positions he sees me in when I’m trying to do just that. It ain’t pretty. But at least there’s no armed crotch invasion.

  2. I purchased the sparkle bottoms to wear under my daily (work) skirts to give me pockets 🙂 I raised my sparkle skirts, before buying the bottoms, to see if I thought I would wear them without and knew that wasn’t going to happen…so unflattering. I like wearing maxi skirts and the sparkle bottoms have given me a purse free option for my phone and ID 🙂

  3. Have you tried rowing in a slim Sparkle Skirt? That would give you the coverage, but the extra fabric wouldn’t be in the way. I prefer slims when I’m cycling.

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