The What’s Going On News Update

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IMG_4023Disney Announces “Paid” Extra Magic Hours at the Magic Kingdom
This week, Disney World announced that tickets for $149/per person plus tax would allow access to the Magic Kingdom for an extra 3 hours on select nights during April and May. In related news, Disney fans lost their collective shit and wondered if they’d ever be able to afford a trip to The World again.

The NYC Half Marathon Took Place in… NYC.
NYRR hosted the NYC Half Marathon in NYC this weekend with an American woman winning first place and news outlets tried really hard to not sound racist while being excited that a white woman won a road race. Like most out of towners, racers made it impossible to traverse Times Square, randomly stopped to take selfies, and impended pedestrian traffic.

IMG_6102D.C. Loses Shit As Eagles are Born While Cherry Blossoms Bloom
Residents of the District of Columbia collectively lost their shit and work productivity as the Eagle Cam caught the hatching of baby eagles. A local woman, when asked by colleagues if she had been monitoring the Eagle Cam responded, “No, I have cable.” Whatever energy remains among District residents and workers is spent obsessively monitoring the budding of cherry blossoms, all while insisting they will 100% avoid the area as it is invaded by the hordes of middle and high school students on spring break. As the cherry blossom season is now upon us, runners agree now is the only time of year they will enjoy Hains Point.

This weekend sees the release of Batman vs. Superman. Watch as your comic book loving friends who assert they’re “really not that interested in it” and they “maybe might see” the film, as they desperately attempt to keep themselves from being emotionally hurt by another Superman movie and hope that this string of solid Batman movies doesn’t come to a screeching halt. And also My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 is happening so that’s pretty awesome.

And finally…

Studies Show Morning Workout Routine Great for You, Terrible for Everyone Else
A recent study showed everyone around you wants you to shut the f–k up about your morning workout.

What’s the news where you are?



7 thoughts on “The What’s Going On News Update

  1. I’m thinking of starting a new blog called “Disney Fans Lose Their Shit Today,” and just reporting on what is upsetting them at a given time.

    • “reports came in today that the line at the churro cart was 5 minutes. Disney fans collectively lost their shit and began repeating to anyone who would listen, ‘it’s just not the same. IT’S JUST NOT THE SAME.’ We have a reporter on the scene who confirms, yes, there is a wait for churros but asks, ‘is it really that big of a deal?'”

      • “Disney announced today that they will never be changing anything ever again. Disney fans collectively lost their shit, complaining, ‘Disney has always been at the forefront of innovation! Keeping things the same just won’t be the same!”

      • “Over the last few minutes, Disney fans (can we even really call them that?) created and contributed to a 600 page message board thread dedicated to a fallen leaf at the Disneyland park. ‘It was The Greatest Leaf,’ said one man with a tear in his eye. ‘I just can’t believe Disney would let this happen.’ The leaf is currently selling for $4,500 on ebay.”

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